i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
