If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
false alarm. still invincible.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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