i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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