Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
