I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
