My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
