The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Congratulations! We have a period
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
