I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
