I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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