I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
