Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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