Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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