my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
