You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
