I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
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Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
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It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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