I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
