Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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