Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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