i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
