why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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