I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
