so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
