he was CRYING into my vagina
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
