Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
