and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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