I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
