The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
