i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
