A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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