i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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