the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Duck Duck Cougar?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize