onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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