Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
