Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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