I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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