it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
