These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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