The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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