Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
