who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
