i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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