Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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