your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
