I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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