I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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