i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
