I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
