I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
