How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
