You made me cry and you don't even care
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
