just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am available for nakedness
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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