That's intense
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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