if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize