why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
